It came to the point where I couldn’t continue anymore. I woke up no longer able to ignore the signs; I couldn’t get out of bed, and I was literally in tears several times every day. The ambitious, always on-the-move me could no longer find the energy or desire for ANYTHING. I had fallen into depression and had a high baseline of anxiety and stress that I had become numb to, and it was now spilling out on the surface at random times. I would burst into tears in work meetings, conversations, and simple “hello, how are you” exchanges. I was deeply unhappy even though I could see all I had to be thankful for.
The more I shared how I felt with others, the more isolated I felt, as if I was being judged for thinking the way I was and being unappreciative of what I had. Or I didn’t know what depression looked like and was victimizing myself. I was sleeping maybe a total of 3 hours a night with a demanding role as a VP at a Global Bank, responsible for managing the top priority program for the business I worked for.
I spent many days walking through the city and many nights crying in bed, all while continuing to wear a mask – sharing a very positive and happy demeanor with the world. What I just described may be the description of toxic positivity.
Now looking back, the signs seem clear. I was always getting sick even though I ate very healthily; I struggled with severe insomnia despite being highly active and exhausted. I couldn’t focus and was constantly irritable, agitated, and restless.
HOW was this possible? I was living in my DREAM CITY, with a stunning apartment, a job at a prestigious company, great friends, achieving what I set out to – and yet, I felt deeply unfilled. Something was missing. What had happened to the energetic, super ambitious me that wanted to make Partner at Goldman Sachs? Why did I feel so anxious, unable to move or enjoy anything?
What was happening to me? In hindsight, my soul appeared to cry out from underneath the facade.
What, on the surface, many admired as a dream life was mentally imprisoning me, always tense or anxious. Why did I have this almost dislike towards myself? I felt so profoundly distraught and disappointed in myself. I saw myself stuck on a hamster wheel with years passing, but my life was not evolving. Later, my therapist taught me that anxiety is at its peak when what we think and want to do does not align with our actions.
I spent months visiting doctors to help me with my insomnia and depression, starting with a physician in February, then a Therapist in April, and a psychiatrist in May. I tried too many medications to help me sleep – eight types of insomnia pills, countless variations of medicine, and side effects (including falling to the ground a few times). I was desperate to rest but restless beyond. I was never into drugs, and the side effects were countless and scary. I now know medicine isn’t the answer for sleeping, at least beyond temporarily.
I was running on a treadmill for so long without realizing it until awareness kicked in, and even then, it wasn’t easy to stop. I took a “time-out,” but I felt unproductive and shameful. I would stay up caring too much about what the leadership and my colleagues would think and cry about how it was perceived. Still, I physically, mentally, and emotionally could not continue. I felt like a mess and in complete duality.
Underneath my calm demeanor, while attending to other people, running towards fires and the most critical projects, there for everything and almost everyone I could be and was there for, I felt empty and – ultimately, had left myself behind.
I now recognize that it pushed me to meet MYSELF! in a society where we almost feel obligated to do, achieve, and share; it’s harder to say no than to keep going along in the dance, acting happy and okay. I would only rest when I was forced to by getting sick. I slept under 4-5 hours for many years, and through the issues it caused me, it taught me to choose myself.
You and only you walk in your shoes. Living a life to please others and seek validation is meaningless when the most crucial participant of your life, you, is left behind.
Prioritize yourself before burnout. Prioritize yourself daily, the time you give yourself, your sleep, and your inner being. Be present with yourself so you can hear what is working and what is not working for you. POUR INTO YOUR CUP FIRST because THE TIME IT TAKES TO FILL UP A DEPLETED CUP IN SUB ZEROS IS FAR GREATER AND MORE CHALLENGING than doing so IN REAL-TIME as you LIVE YOUR LIFE DAILY.
Thinking about where I was and where I am now, I almost feel nauseous by the profound transformation within me. We’re always going through change and transformation. However, this was a pivotal shift, taking me from a comfortable salary and a demanding and depleting career to stepping into who I truly am, awake and aware. I’ll share a post on what helped me transform into becoming alive to who I am today.
ULTIMATELY my anxiety, depression, and insomnia were catalysts for my transformation and paved the way to where I am now. pain is typically paving the path forward
I saw through the deeply uncomfortable experience and the nudges I was ignoring the feeling that something was missing, that being, I wasn’t aligned with my highest path. Those feelings don’t just surface without a purpose or meaning; they were attempting to inspire me to seek change in what I was doing and how I spent my time on autopilot. Contributing to an asleep society, constantly jumping between dreams and nightmares – never really AWAKE.
WHY I CREATED THIS BLOG
I’m inspired by the universe and the magic in every single of us as creators, waiting for us to tap in. I can’t help but feel the urge to share the insights that pass through me on this exploratory journey. If what I’m learning is helpful to my growth and if there is any chance of helping impact others, I will take the chance. It’s an instinct I can’t ignore. To not speak of the abundance and love we are each made of and capable of tapping into. To create a space where we help each other uncover our layers through self-discovery and support each other’s growth. We are here, BUT why?
THE GOOD CONTINUES TO AWAIT US
We are intended to experience the things that we are drawn to. We are creators, created from pure love and constantly striving to be reminded of ourselves daily – of our true nature. Something else also seems to reside within us, powerful, consistently trying to derail us on our track, to “test,” so to speak, our resistance, our rigor, our ability to remain focused on THE GOOD vs. the bad.
The GOOD is where the magic lies, and so when we get derailed into thinking about the bad, the GOOD is what continues to await us, to come back to ourselves. It holds the magic for everything we want to feel, hear, be, and see. Though in the opposite order, it all starts with seeing, hearing, feeling, and ultimately BEING. We are sooo powerful beyond. What if we choose to see the GOOD as our power? If we see GOOD as our superpower, that’s where our magic lies.
The forces of the universe inspire me. Everyone, or most people that know me, know that I’m VERY lucky by the timing of things that take place in my life. And I don’t think that is by chance. I don’t believe in coincidences; I believe I create them from the deliberate intentions I create through positivity. Based on my positive outlook, my choices, and the DAILY work I do to cultivate positivity through my gratitude practice, manifestations, reframing situations and things consistently to see the positive and the glass half full.
Our perspective is so powerful, isn’t it?
So lean in, let’s grow and thrive together!
If anything resonated with you on this post, please share it with me. I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments either below or by connecting with me on Instagram!
