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Coaching Personal Development Self Growth Wellbeing

Embracing Self-Compassion to Thrive

Lately, I’ve been noticing more and more how critical of an ingredient self-compassion is in allowing us to be present and there for others authentically with humility and an open heart.  

What if the first thought we had in relation to self-compassion was humility instead of ego?

The influence our degree of self-compassion has in how we experience life and our enjoyment of it daily is vast.

To carry a joy and excitement for life, not only when we’re on holiday or on a trip – but every day as we meet others, our lives, our careers, and our self! To listen and hear, to see, be, and feel.

The most common thing that occurs when we abandon our self-compassion is our inability to effectively use these inherent human functions we’re born with. 

Now more than ever, there is a dire need for a shift in our mindset on self-compassion. What it means, and what it truly does for us.  

HOW LACKING SELF-COMPASSION HURTS US IN OUR LIVES:

  • We are never fully satisfied or feel good enough in our workplace due to a constant stream of self-doubt and self-criticism
  • Our productivity and performance is impacted, we even work ourselves to burnout and hurt our professional relationships.
  • In our relationships, we project our self-criticism by being critical of how others should behave to make us happy, making it difficult for true connection and vulnerability.
  • We unintentionally yet continuously create a rift within our connections with others and a lack of empathy within our connections (think interrupting our friends when they’re talking) 
  • We fail to show up authentically! Even for the most special occasions, our presence can’t meet others while buried in shame, pain, and heaviness, causing us to be less engaged in conversations, distracted, and self-isolate

HOW SELF-COMPASSION HELPS US:

Being self-compassionate is not only empowering, but it is also proven to:

  1. Improve our mental health by reducing depression, anxiety, stress, and substance abuse.
  2. Enhance our physical health, including improved immune system and lower blood pressure
  3. Increase our coping skills and emotional resilience
  4. Betters our professional and academic performance 
  5. Create motivation for making change in our life 

Who knew a little kindness could go so far. Oscar Wilde said, “to love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” I heard this quote on my meditation, Monday morning after sending the first edition of Sunday Tea with the topic of Self-love and was all smiles by the synchronicity. Twisting the words a bit to a natural truth to our existence – being in love with life itself can arguably be the biggest gift of life to be awake to.

PRACTICAL TIPS TO CULTIVATE SELF-COMPASSION:

As a recovering perfectionist, I am an enthusiast for positive affirmations as a tool for self-compassion in that they help us reframe and transform our negative beliefs! They can be a cushion to cozy into from negative thoughts. 

Good news is I won’t sound like a broken record because there are many ways to practice self-compassion in your daily life – so if positive affirmations aren’t for you. – NO FRET there are many other ways to cultivate self-compassion:

  • Validate your emotions: allow yourself to feel your emotions without judging them for coming through. We were created with emotions to experience and grow through life with them.. 
    • Ask and discern what they’re teaching you as opposed to resorting to escaping or numbing how we feel? The more we avoid our feelings, the more they persist.  You may be surprised how quickly it may pass if you allow it to come through – kind of like the relief after a good cry!
  • Prioritize activities that nourish your mind, body, and inner being; 

    • Practice mindfulness by spending a day or half-day without your phone to give your mind space, in the present moment and not feel at the whim of technology or constant context switching! 
    • Become aware of your thoughts! Ask yourself if your thoughts are a reflection of facts or just negative personal beliefs 
    • Give back to your body! It could be taking your favorite exercise class (pilates anyone?) to treat your muscle memory to something new.  
    • Give your mind, soul, and body a treat by going on a 30 minute walk outside for fresh air and energy! Imagine if we were outside as much as we spend time scrolling through social media. 
    • Treat yourself to a massage at least, once a month!! Your body deserves a good massage or movement activity that gets your energy moving. If massage isn’t for you, try acupuncture with an expert or foam rolling at home! Imagine, 60 minutes to honor our body once a month (minimum), is only 12 self-love hours a year – in comparison to the average adult that sits about 2-3,000 hours per year (according to the journal of occupational and environmental medicine). That is some shocking stats to learn our body is sitting for about 83-125 FULL DAYS!!!  Is that a big motivator to GET UP or what?
  • Create a thank-me list: think of the things you love and appreciate about yourself; say it outloud or write it in your phone or notebook so it’s accessible – front and center to lean on. Make it at least 10 things ! bonus tea if it’s more!!
    • Having this on hand is so helpful when we get self-critical or say, “I’m so lazy”, or “I never get things right” to one of your favorite qualities or skills like being an awesome cook!
    • All this to say, think about your positive qualities, things you like about yourself, your talents, skills, traits, personality, relationships, and accomplishments. Being a caring mom or dad? Reliable sibling or friend? A loyal Wife, Husband or Partner? A loving Son or Daughter? A devoted  colleague? The list can go on. 
    • We show up as so many different people in different contexts every day! Honor yourself. 
  • Forgive yourself! Acknowledge where you made a mistake, learn from it and move on. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes!
    • As soon as we forgive ourself, we create the space for healing and growth to happen.
    • Accept your flaws, and imperfections. It’s okay to be human!!
    • Write yourself a letter of forgiveness by writing out everything you’re angry yourself about followed by a love letter to give yourself the self-love and appreciation you deserve 

Remember, self-compassion and kindness (or anything self-growth) isn’t overnight! It takes time, messing up, effort, and patience. Be kind to yourself just as you are with a baby learning to walk. It is so much about small steps, being aware when we forget, and trying again. Otherwise, we’d never learn to walk!!

I’d love to hear from you if you have any thoughts or comments.

With love,

Sholeh

Categories
Coaching Personal Development Self Growth Wellbeing

Love Yourself First

What if we viewed loving ourselves the same as loving others because we are all made of the same energetic force?

To love yourself has so many different meanings and connotations depending on where in the world you are, the culture, and societal expectations. For much of the world, it’s considered arrogant, self-centered, and selfish to love yourself. And that almost implies not being a good person, and generally not seen in good light as if loving yourself is associated with being unkind, and destructive to others. As if, taking from others for yourself. 

But what if it meant, to be kind and compassionate to yourself so much so that the love pours out of you allowing you to give to others unconditionally? 

To share the abundance of your love so freely.

From this vantage point, you’re not approaching life from a place of lack or in other words NEEDINESS. When we are lacking our self-love, we can be so depleted to the point where almost the opposite happens, we take without any excess to give. Which is where toxicity peaks into relationships. So why isn’t loving ourselves more popular all around the world?

By practicing self-love, we not only improve our life experience by creating space, and happiness in our day-to-day lives but also improve our relationships with others because we’re not showing up depleted. We improve our patience as a result of having made time for the things that matter to us and can share our time better with less irritability and more intention.

We improve our friendships, family life, our community, and ultimately the impact of more people than we know because we are acting on love and even if it’s internally focused, it creates the capacity within us where it wouldn’t otherwise exist to extend, and reach others. 

The biggest realization I had most recently was recognizing how by giving myself the quality time that I wanted from a relationship, I don’t crave it externally anymore, because I’m giving it to myself now. I’ve learned how to love myself and I believe that is what attracts the love that I want.

HOW DO I LOVE MYSELF?

The biggest shift of my adult existence has been giving myself the love that I so desperately craved. Realizing that I wasn’t giving myself my love language – Quality time – was a big aha moment. Always busy, always on the go, never any downtime besides the few minutes before bed, not sleeping enough, not being present enough. WOAH, I could be talking about the qualities of being in a toxic relationship but NOPE, I’m talking about myself and my relationship with myself.

So if I truly believe that our world is a MIRROR reflecting us. HOW was I allowing myself to go on in this way? well to be completely candid, this last question never occurred to me. I was recently journaling when I had a ‘hold on’ moment… For the first time in a long time, I am NOT craving love or feeling lonely. Is this because I take time to read the books on my list, I go on a walk or run daily, write, speak out affirmations, and make time for the things I love? Yes, I’ve filled up my cup with my LOVE through these activities that are representative of my love language, quality time, and words of affirmation without even realizing it. And now my cup is full of my self-love.

There is a very popular book by Gary Chapman, called “The Five Love Languages” and essentially a guide for how to meaningfully communicate your love and care for another based on how the other person translates and receives love.

Know your love language and give yourself that love

So here we go, if your love language is:

  • Quality Time. Then give yourself YOUR undivided attention by putting your phone and distractions away and doing something that you enjoy. That can be any mindful activity such as:
      • Reading,
      • Journaling,
      • Going on a walk
      • Do an activity that gives you, your full energy. It’s about making time, uninterrupted, focused, fully listening, and fully present. So reflect on what that is for you and give yourself that. The thing to avoid is ignoring your needs.
  • Words of affirmation. If this is your love language then words mean a lot to you, whether it’s speaking words of criticism or positivity, it resonates. Compliments mean a lot to someone with words of affirmation as their love language along with encouragement, appreciation, and praise. This is my secondary love language and I wholeheartedly stand by the power of mindful inner dialogue. Becoming aware of the words you say to yourself can be powerful here.You need to hear positive messages and avoid non-constructive criticism.If this is your primary love language, I suggest the following:
    • Write words of affirmation and repeat them daily – better yet, twice a day, at morning and night
    • Create sticky notes as reminders and place them on your mirror, desk, bathroom, and bedroom door so that you’re reminded and hear words of affirmation even if doesn’t come from others.
    • Start a gratitude journal – words of affirmation is one of my love languages, and I personally do a lot in this category but namely, an activity that takes me less than 2 minutes in the morning and night is  a combination of gratitude, affirmations and highlights of the day, using my 5-minute journal by Intelligent Change (link). You can get yours with a discount using SHOLEH10 at checkout.  I have gifted this journal and I love using it myself.
  • Acts of Service. This is someone who values when others do things that show they prioritize their needs such as running errands and doing small to big things that show they are there to help support and help you. If this is your love language, then give yourself this: 
      • Make yourself tea or coffee with your favorite creamer, or make your favorite meal for yourself. Breakfast in bed anyone?
      • Organize your space, clean your room, and make your bed each day – it takes under one minute but is such a great way to start your day!
      • Get items off your to-do list done
  • Receiving Gifts. This love language is for anyone that feels most cared about and seen by receiving gifts people thoughtfully picked for them. Someone with this love language can also feel hurt by meaningless gifting because of the sentiment gifting is to them. This isn’t to be mistaken with materialism because this love language it’s more about the meaning and sentiment behind the gift. So if this is you, then:
      • Order yourself flowers
      • Get yourself something you’ve been eyeing – It doesn’t have to be a special occasion to give yourself a gift that would fill your cup
  • Physical Touch. People with physical touch as their love language feel love, safety and care through the warmth of a touch, hug, or holding hands, and physical closeness in general. If this is you, then:
      • Get a massage or give yourself a massage when applying lotion after you shower.
      • Take a warm bath
      • Get cozy with comfortable pajamas under a blanket.
      • Stretch or do yoga.
      • Hug yourself – I know this one sounds a bit odd but it works 🙂

Read, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman for more.

I hope this article inspires you to reflect on times you felt love and care for and find ways to emulate that love in your daily life. To love yourself is to create a dynamic shift of intentionally creating more of what you love and desire into your life experience. Ultimately activating an untouchable superpower.

What are things you do to show love to yourself? Do they correlate with your love language? Share your thoughts and comments below.

Categories
Coaching Consciousness Personal Development

Your True North

As I was thinking about the intention of this post, “Your True North,” a book called “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho immediately popped into my mind. I take that as a sign to share this recommendation with anyone drawn to reading this post! Reading this book greatly impacted my life, and the events that unfolded later helped me find my life’s purpose and, ultimately, my happy place, which is surely not a destination. I recommend adding it to your reading list if you haven’t read it yet. 

Your True North

What if you wholeheartedly knew that your highest path, the most uncomplicated and perhaps joyful way of living your life, is the same as stepping into and finding your life’s purpose? 
Now you’re thinking, how do I know if I’m in my life’s purpose and flow? Hang in there with me! Does what you’re doing excite you? And I mean, genuinely, to your core, excite you? When you visualize or think about your actions, do you feel your heart light up? Do things tend to flow in perfect timing? Or do you face resistance and continuous obstacles? Pretty much quite the opposite of ease? 

Being in your life’s purpose and where you are meant to be 

has more to do with how you do what you do versus what you do. It can be spotted by feelings of excitement, contentment, and ease in how things fall into place and happen in your life. You don’t have to force things; I don’t mean NOT putting in effort or action. But the things you act towards and are doing come easily to you. They’re an extension of you. You not only enjoy doing them, but you’re also good at them. 

Why should you care about your true north?

It’s true that what we read, watch, and consume greatly impact our life and the journey we experience. It’s also true that it is our birthright to follow what our instincts really guide us or sometimes scream at us to do!! It is SO important – we need to pursue what brings us alive, aware, and in tune! See what is in front of us, hear the words spoken, feel the energy of what is said or unsaid, and live in the present moment.
 
Because there is a plan for your existence! And unless you’re tuned in to the here and now, you might miss it. What do I mean by being in the here and now? Is there anywhere else to be? For most people, we are physically present yet mentally in the past, rethinking things that were done or said and, in the future, anxiously waiting or worrying – I will leave this topic for another blog post. Simply put, the here and now is being, seeing, hearing, feeling, and being AWARE of the present moment, not in your recent conversation with a friend or deep in thought (having potentially missed the entire drive home). 
You were born on this planet, a part of TRILLIONS of other galaxies, with billions of beings just like you on Earth in a miraculous human body.  You’re HERE to do what feels exciting, NOT just what you are told you SHOULD do. It’s doing things that make your heart expand and smile, bringing your BEING to LIFE at this moment. Taking that step naturally allows doors that are in your highest path to open up for you to walk through. 
When we are in our life’s purpose and step into the path the universe has laid out for us, everything about our experience tends to fall into place seamlessly. By that, I’m NOT stating effortlessly – because effort and action are required and KEY. But it’s almost as if you’re watching a dance, and the rhythm is in synchronicity with every step the dancer takes, and the steps fall into place, creating the motion you’re watching. That motion, in this context, is your life, with the dance moves being actions you’re inspired to take. 

It feels like the Universe was waiting for you to knock.

The doors just spring wide open. The ease with which things fall into place is the Universe’s way of speaking to you and encouraging you to do more of what you’re doing. To continue on your path. When you experience resistance or things are just really, really hard, the message the universe is giving you is to take stock – not for feelings of shame and disappointment BUT for awareness and steer – to try another way. There is a popular phrase by Bryant McGill, rejection is redirection, and redirection is protection. Chances are that path wasn’t going to bring you the utmost fun and joy anyway – SIMILAR TO dancing to the rhythm of another song – it feels uncomfortable, unnatural, and out of place.

I recognize that so many of us are doing what we are doing to make a means to an end and what makes sense for income and livelihood.   But many of us are also on autopilot. I understand we all need money to support our basic human needs.  Beyond that, I’m also a huge proponent of ambition and wanting more than just basic needs to live COMFORTABLY. In abundance!! There is a sticky message that I’m trying to drive home – many of us need to laser-focus on surviving to the point where living gets pushed to the side. Luckily, we can apply purpose to any and every single thing that we do daily. 
And that is where I’m hoping and intending to challenge our thinking around BEING. What if we dared to take our EXISTENCE up a notch and shift from just EXISTING to BEING? From surviving to LIVING. Instead of just opening our eyes each morning, waking up every day NEW with persistent joy. Feeling an innate drive from our BEING, motivated, encouraged, and inspired.  What if you, too, could be in YOUR POWER? Excited for your next move, to follow your next instinct.
I know that you deserve all of this. You are entitled to living with YOUR PURPOSE! To happiness and feeling satisfied, fulfilled, at peace, and at ease in your life!  It is how you and I were ALL born to partake in this human experience with our full potential. For many of us, our upbringing has brought with it many limiting beliefs and conditions instilled within us. As Eckhart Tolle says in his book, “The Power of Now,” we carry our pain bodies throughout our lives. In simpler terms, we are a cumulation of our experiences (good and bad) as early in our lives as we can remember, making up our conditioning and how we perceive, process, and approach situations—most of the time, highly coupled with doubt and worthiness wounds.
If anything, I aim to drive home with this post, is this – by aligning yourself and what you’re doing daily to the things that excite you, or with your presence awareness, you are bringing the magic of what makes you uniquely YOU into the world; by doing so, elevating the energy of the collective world. When we are doing what we love, with our full presence, our energy is in a higher vibration, and that naturally impacts those who interact with us and, as such, has a ripple effect, impacting the collective vibration. Excitement, passion, and joy, are all in the same vibrational frequency as love, the highest vibrational frequency there is! Imagine a world where we act and move daily from a place of excitement, passion, and enjoyment. If it isn’t our energy that makes up the collective, then I’m not sure what is. 
By first prioritizing and taking care of our primary need (being and doing what we are here to do), we establish a persistent baseline of joy, which fuels us to share that high vibration and enables us to take others along on that journey too. The sense of awareness is a key player in all of this. Take stock of what in your experience is flowing and what is not, or more simply, what in your life feels good and what does not. The awareness alone will open the floodgates to so many other knowings that will come from within you in the form of realizations, conversations, dreams, or signs.
AWARENESS is always, always, the first and biggest step to making change.  To feel, to hear your calling, and recognize your purpose.
This topic intertwines with many other key topics I’m writing about, including conscious awareness, presence, learning to trust your intuition, following your instincts, knowing when something isn’t working for you, navigating confusion, feeling lost, and more.
I hope these pieces inspire food for thought and bring downloads of wisdom from deep within you into your awareness. I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments. 
Love,
Sholeh